


whatever weird shit you imprinted on as cool when you were a baby like some kinda socially inept duckling

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:20:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23513788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Dave found something cool.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 32
Kudos: 185





	whatever weird shit you imprinted on as cool when you were a baby like some kinda socially inept duckling

DAVE: dude drop everything  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: cmon whatever dumb shit you got goin on put it on hold its gotta wait  
DAVE: possibly indefinitely but realistically speaking prolly just for the next hour or two  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, DAVE?  
DAVE: nope no way bro not til you show some enthusiasm cmon lets see a little esprit de corps  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: IT’S PRONOUNCED “CORE”  
DAVE: what no  
DAVE: no way  
KARKAT: YOU WANNA ASK ROSE?  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: you wanna put your fucking book down?  
KARKAT: SIGH  
KARKAT: FIIIIINE.  
KARKAT: IT *IS* PRONOUNCED “CORE” THOUGH.  
DAVE: whatever doesnt matter were way beyond that karkat get with the times  
KARKAT: I FUCKING *GOT* WITH THE TIMES, DAVE!  
KARKAT: I PUT MY BOOK DOWN, DIDN’T I??  
KARKAT: I HELD UP MY END OF THIS SHITHIVE BARGAIN. THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT THE *FUCK* IT IS SO I CAN DECIDE IF I WANNA KEEP HOLDING IT OR DROP IT DOWN THE NEAREST LOAD GAPER WHERE IT BELONGS!  
KARKAT: WITH ANY LUCK BY THEN YOU’LL BE HOLDING UP THE OTHER END AND YOU’LL GET FLUSHED RIGHT DOWN WITH IT!  
DAVE: ok man thats fair  
DAVE: i mean absolutely batshit and like way uncalled for over aggressive but whatever thats besides the point  
DAVE: the POINT is  
DAVE: i found somethin cool  
KARKAT: OH YEAH?  
DAVE: yeah man theres that twinkle in your eye theres that long-thought extinct lease on life back from the dead like that fish they found once  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: you know i got somethin good  
KARKAT: NO, I *DEFINITELY* DON’T, DAVE.  
KARKAT: IN FACT I’M PRETTY FUCKING CONFIDENT THAT WHATEVER THIS THING IS, IT’S GONNA BE SO WARPED TO FIT YOUR IDEA OF “COOL” I WON’T EVEN BE ABLE TO LOOK DIRECTLY AT IT WITHOUT GOING BLIND.  
KARKAT: BUT THE TRUTH IS I’M BORED OUT OF MY FUCKING SKULL.  
KARKAT: YOU COULD’VE FOUND A HUNK OF LINT BETWEEN YOUR TOES IN A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT THAN NORMAL SHADE OF RED AND HONESTLY?  
KARKAT: I’D TAKE A LOOK.  
KARKAT: THAT’S HOW FUCKING DESPERATE I AM.  
DAVE: wow your books that bad huh  
KARKAT: WHAT???  
KARKAT: NO!!  
KARKAT: MY BOOK IS *INCREDIBLE!*  
DAVE: but not like toe jam incredible  
KARKAT: IT’S A FUCKING *MASTERPIECE*!  
KARKAT: ...BUT I’VE ALSO READ IT SEVEN TIMES ALREADY.  
KARKAT: SO  
KARKAT: YEAH  
KARKAT: I COULD USE A BREAK  
KARKAT: COME ON  
KARKAT: LET’S SEE THIS THING.  
DAVE: ok so heres the thing  
KARKAT: WHERE?  
KARKAT: I DON’T SEE IT.  
DAVE: what no  
DAVE: this is a different thing  
KARKAT: OH SO NOW THERE’S TWO THINGS???  
DAVE: yeah i know wild right  
DAVE: this is more of a conceptual thing  
DAVE: a thing like a hitch  
DAVE: and not the good kinda hitch  
DAVE: not the kinda hitch you like the kind with will smith  
DAVE: not the kind that gets your little pump biscuit pumpin like biscuits apparently did on your wonky ass planet  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK, DAVE.  
KARKAT: OF COURSE BISCUITS PUMPED!  
KARKAT: ...ARE YOU SAYING YOURS DIDN’T?  
DAVE: ok whatever well come back to that someday because i would love to know what that could possibly mean  
DAVE: but for now were focusing on our particular hitch our bad hitch  
DAVE: the whole hitch of the matter is...  
DAVE: this cool thing i found  
DAVE: its pretty high up  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: like off the ground  
KARKAT: YOU MOTHERFUCKER, IF THIS IS A SHORT JOKE...  
DAVE: hey now you know its not i would never  
DAVE: it has nothin to do with bein short height doesnt even come into it no number of little karkat brand soapboxes could reach it  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: OH FUCK  
KARKAT: IS THIS A FUCKING *FLYING* JOKE???  
DAVE: what no of course not who said anything about jokes  
DAVE: ive been working so hard all this time to try to ease you into this tryna be all mindful of my privilege and shit  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU DAVE.  
DAVE: when did i tell a joke  
DAVE: when did i say a single thing that could possibly be a joke just now  
KARKAT: YOU TOOK A *HELL* OF A DETOUR TO MAKE FUN OF MY FAVORITE MOVIE AND MY NATIVE LANGUAGE.  
DAVE: oh shut the fuck up karkat your native language is fucking english  
KARKAT: PSSSHHH  
DAVE: and it should have been clear from the title i was makin fun of the human version of hitch which youve made ABUNDANTLY clear is a cheap schlocky shadow of the alternian “original”  
DAVE: original in highly dubious causality quotes there but whatever man those are your words not mine  
DAVE: maybe i shoulda just said sic at the end  
DAVE: the original (sic) version  
DAVE: well no fuck that doesnt really work if youre just talkin out loud does it it sounds like im sayin the original version was sick  
DAVE: which is pretty much the exact opposite of your opinion your whole point was that it sucked  
DAVE: hm  
DAVE: i guess if you were quoting me sayin it you could put your own sic next to my sic  
DAVE: then maybe people would get it  
KARKAT: DAVE, WHO THE FUCK ARE THE “PEOPLE” HERE?  
KARKAT: WE BARELY EVEN TALK TO ANYBODY ELSE, AND THE FEW PEOPLE WE DO TALK TO REGULARLY WOULD HAVE BAILED ON THIS TRAIN WRECK OF A CONVERSATION *LONG* AGO BY NOW.  
KARKAT: HELL, *I’M* BARELY EVEN STILL HERE!  
DAVE: haha ok man jeez point taken  
DAVE: where were we  
KARKAT: YOU WERE DESPERATELY TRYING TO FLAIL YOUR WAY OUT OF THE CORNER YOU BACKED YOURSELF INTO.  
DAVE: nope wrong as usual i was tellin you about the cool thing i found  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD!  
KARKAT: WHY DID YOU EVEN TELL ME ABOUT THIS SUPPOSEDLY “COOL” THING WHEN IT’S SO OBVIOUS THAT I CAN’T EVEN FUCKING SEE IT??  
KARKAT: IT’S LIKE YOU PULLED THE FUCKING RUG OUT FROM UNDER ME JUST SO YOU COULD SHAKE IT UP AND GET DIRT IN MY EYES!  
DAVE: ok great imagery dude so good  
DAVE: but unfortunately also very wrong  
DAVE: because i mean...  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: you know  
KARKAT: FUCKING WHAT, NO I DON'T!  
DAVE: theres definitely a way you can see this cool thing no problem  
KARKAT: OH NO  
DAVE: obviously...  
KARKAT: NO!  
DAVE: obviously ill just carry you  
KARKAT: NO NO NO!  
KARKAT: ABSOLUTELY THE FUCK-  
KARKAT: NO!  
DAVE: what cmon man why not  
KARKAT: BECAUSE IT’S  
KARKAT: IT’S FUCKING  
KARKAT: IT’S DEMEANING!  
DAVE: aw no way  
KARKAT: YES!  
KARKAT: ABSOLUTELY!  
KARKAT: HUGE WAY!  
KARKAT: THE BIGGEST FUCKING WAY THERE IS!  
KARKAT: I AM *NOT* LETTING YOU CART ME AROUND LIKE I’M SOME KIND OF WIGGLER ON HIS LUSUS’ SHOULDERS WHO WANTS A GOOD VIEW OF THE EXECUTION!  
DAVE: holy shit dude the fucking childhoods on your planet  
KARKAT: I AM A GROWN ASS TROLL!  
DAVE: dude youre 13  
KARKAT: AND IF THERE’S SOMETHING COOL I HAVE TO MISS OUT ON BECAUSE I CAN’T FUCKING REACH IT, WELL THEN THAT’S MY OWN GODDAMN PROBLEM AND I’M JUST GONNA HAVE TO SUCK IT UP AND LIVE WITH IT!  
DAVE: wow  
KARKAT: FUCKING WHAT??  
DAVE: nothin just  
DAVE: that was actually a bizarrely mature way to go about that whole thing  
DAVE: weird look on you dude not gonna lie  
KARKAT: AUUUUUGHHH!  
DAVE: haha no cmon its good im impressed  
KARKAT: I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK!  
DAVE: cmon course you do  
DAVE: who else around heres siftin through this many weeks of your shitfits to finally hit that one lil nugget of reasonableness  
DAVE: i been out here for wipes or whatever mining for gold karkat  
DAVE: i purchased a parcel of land an im up to my dick in cold river water with a dinky lil screen  
DAVE: lettin all the fuck yous and suck my bulges drift merrily downstream  
DAVE: hope springing eternal that one day ill find a vein of moderate karkats and make my fortune  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK  
DAVE: and todays the day i struck big  
KARKAT: SO??  
DAVE: so i got an alternative i think youre actually really gonna get into  
KARKAT: WAIT  
KARKAT: ARE YOU SAYING YOU MADE ME FUCKING *EARN* THE RIGHT TO NOT GET CARRIED BY YOUR SMUG ASS?  
KARKAT: DID I JUST PASS SOME KIND OF *TEST??*  
DAVE: what no  
DAVE: it was always leading to this obviously  
KARKAT: THEN WHY THE EVERLOVING *FUCK* DID YOU SUGGEST CARRYING ME???  
DAVE: because it was funny as hell dude do you seriously even have to ask me that  
KARKAT: AAAUUUUUUUGHHHHH!!  
DAVE: sorry it WAS hella funny but dont worry im gonna make it way up to you  
DAVE: dude  
DAVE: im gonna let you ride the unreal air  
KARKAT: WHAT THE *FUCK* IS THE UNREAL AIR?  
DAVE: oh my god bro  
DAVE: check it out  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: WHAT THE SHIT AM I LOOKING AT, DAVE?  
DAVE: i already said its the unreal air  
DAVE: were you not paying attention this things your ticket to flight unfettered  
DAVE: dude its pretty self destructive not to mention hella rude to be daydreamin at a time like this  
DAVE: focus karkat cmon i know we had a super distracting will smith tangent earlier but cmon bro keep it in your pants  
DAVE: think about that on your own time  
DAVE: youre sposed to be focusing on me now  
KARKAT: UM  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: ahem  
DAVE: anyway  
DAVE: this is the unreal air i made it back in the game  
DAVE: and this babys got 6000 ccs of raw horsepower under the hood minimum like thats before you even turn it on  
KARKAT: HOOD?  
KARKAT: THERE’S NO FUCKING HOOD HERE, DAVE!  
DAVE: the hoods a metaphor obviously  
KARKAT: A METAPHOR FOR WHAT??  
DAVE: power  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD  
DAVE: whats wrong  
KARKAT: WHAT’S FUCKING WRONG??  
KARKAT: I’LL TELL YOU WHAT'S WRONG!  
KARKAT: THIS THING IS A PIECE OF SHIT!  
DAVE: haha yeah it is  
KARKAT: WHAT  
DAVE: karkat i worked good and fucking hard to make this piece of shit as piece of shitty as humanly and troll-ly possible  
KARKAT: UH HUH  
DAVE: hell yeah i slaved long into the night over this thing  
KARKAT: DAVE, I *SINCERELY* HOPE THAT’S NOT TRUE.  
DAVE: ok no youre right i whipped it up in like five seconds but thats besides the point cuz with a piece of art like this the whole deal is you gotta be succinct you gotta lay off the urge to meddle and get all caught up in overengineering you gotta be strict with yourself  
DAVE: its like poetry  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: cmon it flies its gonna be fun  
KARKAT: THIS THING FUCKING FLIES?  
DAVE: yeah of course it does man thats the whole point its because its a skateboard crossed with a hella jeff drawing karkat it defies the laws of basic physics it would actually be insane if this thing did anything a real skateboard did that would be preposterous  
KARKAT: JESUS CHRIST.  
KARKAT: IS THAT WHY MY EYES CAN’T REALLY FOCUS ON IT?  
KARKAT: DOES THIS THING ACTUALLY EVEN EXIST, LIKE, ON OUR PLANE OF REALITY?  
DAVE: ok one: hell yeah it is  
DAVE: and two: who knows man thats part of the great mystery of life and shit  
KARKAT: UGGGHH  
DAVE: cmon karkat you got like a preternatural ability to suck the magic and lifeforce out of literally any thing  
DAVE: like even a magical flying skateboard which is like definitionally the most basic deep seated dream of any and every 13 year old this is your chance to BE marty mcfly  
KARKAT: WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?  
DAVE: oh my god fine you can be the silver surfer or whatever the hell weird shit you prolly imprinted on as cool when you were a baby like some kinda socially inept duckling  
DAVE: like technically ss is way down the cool totem pole but whatever this actually only serves my argument which is the obvious fact that standin on a hunk of wood or in this case pixels preferably with flames painted on the sides and rising majestically into the air is a cultural touchstone its a desire nay a need that definitely transcends even our dubious as fuck evolutionary differences  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: jesus christ why is this so hard i found a cool thing i wanted to show you  
DAVE: now im givin you the coolest possible means of transportation to get there  
DAVE: im not like lettin you use my bus pass to go check out a dead rat i found in a culvert or some shit  
DAVE: even though that would probably be the earth equivalent like if we were just buds hangin out in houston honestly thats probably exactly the kinda shit wed be gettin up to  
DAVE: we could make a whole day of it  
DAVE: steal some hot sauce packets from del taco dare each other to put it in our eyes build a sweet tree fort who the fuck knows  
DAVE: UNFORTUNATELY that sundrenched texas summer of budding broship is but a pipe dream because were instead zooming our asses through actual space and i can fly and i have a magic skateboard so hey you can fly too  
DAVE: honestly now that i say it its sounding kinda likely that we actually did go down to that culvert and overdosed on eye salsa and this is just our shared fever dream  
DAVE: thats just how ideal this situation is karkat why are you fighting me so much on this  
KARKAT: I’M NOT FIGHTING SHIT!  
DAVE: yes you are you totally are just hop on and lets ollie outie  
KARKAT: I  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: dude what the fuck is wrong  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW HOW TO RIDE ONE OF THESE THINGS, OK???  
DAVE: what a flying skateboard  
DAVE: thats cool bro i dont think anybody does  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
KARKAT: NO!  
KARKAT: TONS OF PEOPLE DO!  
DAVE: what the fuck karkat who  
DAVE: i mean apart from me obviously ive pretty much mastered it but that goes without sayin  
KARKAT: I MEAN LOTS OF KIDS ON ALTERNIA.  
KARKAT: IT WAS PRETTY FUCKING COMMON.  
DAVE: oh jesus fuck dude are you telling me you actually had flying skateboards on your planet  
KARKAT: YEAH!  
DAVE: well what the fuck karkat why were you so skeeved out by this thing at first if they were just zippin all over your planet like awesome pigeons  
KARKAT: BECAUSE YOURS IS A PIECE OF SHIT, DAVE!  
KARKAT: *THAT’S* WHY!  
KARKAT: OURS DIDN’T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE THIS!  
KARKAT: I CAN’T EVEN FUCKING LOOK AT IT HEAD-ON!  
DAVE: haha ok thats fair  
DAVE: whoa wait  
DAVE: holy shit is this it  
DAVE: did we find it  
KARKAT: FIND WHAT?  
DAVE: the one thing  
KARKAT: ??  
DAVE: you know exactly what im talkin about karkat the one cool thing the one objectively good thing that your sphincter of a planet had  
DAVE: i thought you assholes were a lost cause but if you had flying skateboards you musta been doing something right ill admit i mighta misjudged you  
KARKAT: YEAH WELL  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: I MEAN  
KARKAT: THEY WERE MOSTLY A FUN AND CONVENIENT WAY TO MAKE A QUICK GETAWAY AFTER A KILL.  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
DAVE: siiiiiiigh  
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP, DAVE.  
DAVE: but YOU sucked at it  
KARKAT: YEAH  
KARKAT: I MEAN  
KARKAT: UGH, THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING  
KARKAT: I TRIED A COUPLE TIMES.  
KARKAT: IT KIND OF TAKES A DECEPTIVE AMOUNT OF COORDINATION AND BALANCE.  
DAVE: oh yeah i wouldnt know i just rode it perfectly first time but sure tell me more  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD  
DAVE: haha sorry dude  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: ok hows this  
DAVE: what if we like  
DAVE: both ride it  
KARKAT: WHAT, AT THE SAME TIME?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: cmon this things huge and also im pretty sure it runs on the power of imagination or some shit it can definitely lift us both  
DAVE: plus i got enough poise and skill to make up for your sorry ass and then some  
DAVE: hey maybe we should bring the mayor too  
KARKAT: NO!  
KARKAT: I AM *NOT* LETTING THE MAYOR SEE ME STRUGGLE TO STAY UPRIGHT ON THIS PIECE OF SHIT. THAT’D BE MORTIFYING.  
DAVE: what are you kidding the mayor would never make fun of you for something like that how could you possibly even think that  
KARKAT: NO, I KNOW.  
KARKAT: BUT I’D STILL BE EMBARRASSED.  
KARKAT: I’D STILL FEEL LIKE I WAS LETTING HIM DOWN SOMEHOW, YOU KNOW?  
DAVE: yeah i get it i feel that  
DAVE: so  
DAVE: does that mean were doin this  
KARKAT: SIIIIIIGHH  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: HOW COOL IS THIS THING?  
DAVE: what thing the unreal air are you kidding dude just LOOK at it  
KARKAT: UGH!  
KARKAT: NO!  
KARKAT: THE *THING!*  
KARKAT: THE THING UP HIGH THAT WE’RE FUCKING SUPPOSEDLY GOING TO SEE!  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD, DAVE!  
KARKAT: *IS* THERE EVEN A THING???  
DAVE: what yeah of course theres a thing karkat and its so cool  
KARKAT: REALLY??  
DAVE: hell fucking yes do you seriously not trust me on my cool evaluations karkat because that is just straight up ridiculous that is my best feature honestly i figured that was the main reason you hung out with me its a little bit of a hit to the ego but yknow what it makes sense its reasonable  
KARKAT: HAHAHA  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD  
KARKAT: *FINE*  
KARKAT: YOU’RE STEERING.  
KARKAT: AND I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO FLIP THE FUCK OUT HALFWAY AND FALL OFF AND PLUMMET TO MY DEATH BECAUSE YOU ARE *NOT* FUCKING CATCHING ME AND CARRYING ME.  
DAVE: cool yeah sounds stupid but you have my solemn word  
KARKAT: GREAT.  
KARKAT: OK.  
KARKAT: UGH.  
KARKAT: SO YOU JUST LIKE  
KARKAT: STAND ON IT?  
DAVE: i mean sure you can do that like if you wanna insult the board with your unbearable lameness  
DAVE: like if you wanna make it shed a single tear at the sheer lack of chill emanating from the sneakers gracing it then yeah  
DAVE: thats what you do  
KARKAT: OK.  
KARKAT: GOOD.  
KARKAT: THAT’S WHAT I’M GONNA DO.  
DAVE: hahaha  
DAVE: ok yeah an obviously if you wanna honor the board like actually get in the spirit of shit but in like a real nonchalant way of course then you do just a real simple lil midair kick  
DAVE: hup  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD  
KARKAT: JUST MAKE THIS THING GO ALREADY.  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: hold onto me  
KARKAT: WAIT  
KARKAT: REALLY?  
DAVE: yeah i mean i just promised im not savin you if you fall off and since you can barely even sit on the couch right you are DEFINITELY gonna fall off first chance you get  
DAVE: so just like  
DAVE: hold onto my cape or some shit  
KARKAT: JESUS CHRIST  
DAVE: ok cool  
DAVE: here we go  
DAVE: hup  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: cmon dude say hup  
DAVE: it doesnt work if you dont say hup  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: HUP.  
DAVE: hahaha awesome  



End file.
